You almost certainly know ‘Punch’s Almanac’ famous one word of ‘advice to those about to marry’, which was ‘Don’t!’ Ignoring that, and rising above Oscar Wilde’s very sensible remark (‘It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal’), I cannot resist the nudgings of the week to offer a few musings of my own.

I have a better excuse than most as, on Monday, it will be thirty years since Robert and I were married in the chapel of Jesus College, Oxford, nearly three months before Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer at St Paul’s.

What advice were we given about the institution of marriage which has proved helpful? The two memorable remarks were both about the management of conflict.

Firstly the priest who married us, The Revd Bruce Gillingham, who is still in Oxford. He recommended establishing a physical place in the home where, as in a child’s game, you could call ‘Pax’ or ‘Time Out’. This works if both spouses stick to the rules, but we found the crosser one often refused to do so.

More realistic was the advice of  the London-based Hungarian journalist, Lajos Lederer, who by the 1980s was earning a handsome income on the side through lecture tours of America, advising women on avoiding divorce (on a cost/benefit analysis basis alone, he felt it was stupid to abandon such an investment of time and energy without better grounds than were usually given).  He told us on no account to take St Paul’s advice to the Ephesians: ‘let not the sun go down upon your wrath’ (4.26). Apologising, and expecting an apology in return, is a great mistake too soon after a row, when you are really still angry. Sleeping on it is a good start – it is surprising how petty many squabbles seem the morning after. If you are hoping for your partner to change his or her behaviour, it is best to wait a few days and then bring it into the conversation when you are discussing something mundane and emotionally neutral. (But do bear in mind that, by the time someone is old enough to get married their behaviour patterns are hard to alter; it is fatal to marry someone thinking you will be able to change them!)

One or two things we worked out ourselves. Praise is more effective than criticism as a means of changing behaviour. On the second night, Robert cooked the supper. It was not the best meal I had ever had, but when he asked if I had enjoyed it, I knew the rest of our life together hinged on my reply. ‘Oh darling, it was delicious. You really are a good cook!’ He purred. The next night he offered to cook again and I graciously accepted. The more he did the cooking, the more interested he became and the better he cooked. This is a truly virtuous circle and I promise you it really works.

It is often said to be a good idea to share interests with your spouse. Up to a point, no doubt this is true, but we have found it better to have different occupations and pre-occupations, which we can then discuss together later. When we have spent the day together, doing the same thing, such as when we are on holiday, we try and dine with other people so that we are not searching for things to talk about.

Don’t groan, but I am going to end with Kahlil Gibran. (For those still groaning, look away now).

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

What advice would you give, dear readers, to those about to marry (or enter into a long-term partnership)?